Over breakfast one morning, a woman said to her husband, "I bet you don't know what day this is." "Of course I do," he indignantly answered, going out the door to the office. At 10 AM, the doorbell rang and when the woman opened the door, she was handed a box containing a dozen long stemmed red roses. At 1 PM, a foil wrapped, two-pound box of her favorite chocolates arrived. Later, a boutique delivered a designer dress. The woman couldn't wait for her husband to come home. "First the flowers, then the chocolates and then the dress!" she exclaimed. "I've never had a more wonderful Groundhog Day in my life!"

A beggar walks up to Jessica Simpson as she shops on Rodeo Drive and says, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looks at him and says, "Gosh, I wish I had your willpower."

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting flies" He responded. "Oh. killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "Three were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone."

The pretty secretary came in late for work the third day in a row. The boss called her into his office and said, “Now look Nancy, I know we had a wild fling for a while, but that's over. I expect you to conduct yourself like any other employee around here.” The boss pressed on, “Who told you could come and go as you please around here?” Nancy smiled and lit up a cigarette.... “My lawyer.”

As a mother was bribing her little boy with a quarter so he would behave, she said, "Why do I always have to pay you to be good? Why can't you be good for nothing like your dad?"

A family was visiting an Indian reservation when they happen upon an old Indian laying face down in the middle of the road with his ear pressed firmly against the blacktop. The father of the family asked the old tribesman what he was doing. The tribesman began to speak haltingly. "A woman, late thirties, three kids, one barking dog in late model, four door station wagon, traveling at 65 m.p.h." "That's amazing!" exclaimed the father. "You can tell all of that by just listening to the ground?" "No", said the old tribesman. "They just ran over me."

A woman with 14 children, ages one through fourteen, decided to sue her husband for divorce on grounds of desertion. "When did he desert you?" the judge asked. "Thirteen years ago," she replied. "If he left 13 years ago, where did all the children come from?" "Well," said the woman, "he kept coming back to say he was sorry."